::journey to ithaca::

Making Significant Gains from Home

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 15:28:11 GMT

i was laying in bed this morning and realized, i just couldn't. today isn't a day for teaching. i couldn't get out of bed, i couldn't motivate myself to wake up. so, while i was trying to go back to sleep for just a little bit... i kept having visions of my students begging me, running up to me, yelling out my name, then thinking about all the lessons i needed to teach today, but didn't plan for last night. it was terrible. i was getting a massive headache.

finally, to set my heart at ease, i called in sick.

i wonder what my kids are doing now... i wonder what they think... i wonder how i'm going to make significant gains when i don't even want to be there...

agh.

Growing Up Ain't Easy, Quicken Helps

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 08:11:43 GMT

tonight i learned how to use Quicken 2005. (thanks zach.) it's awesome. my checking account, my credit card account, even my savings account are all recorded and available to me now. all in one convenient location. i'm keeping track of my cash expenses as well! what a way to start off my 23rd year of living. this will go down as the "Year of Quicken." i'm totally going to keep up with this, i will.

in other news, i met up with my ex a few nights ago. wednesday to be exact. which would be only 4 days after i told myself i was going to stop seeing him. ah, will power, why have you abandoned me yet again? needless to say it did not end well. this time, however, it ended with a promise. he swore he'd never call me again. sincerely. we'll see how long it lasts. but it's on me, too, i realize. so this upcoming weekend, it's time to break out and live life.

tomorrow (today), saturday, i'm taking a few of my students to see the 4th harry potter movie. i'm rather excited about it. it's rated PG-13. none of my kids are 13 years of age, but i think it'll be ok. if anyone cries, i'm making them wait outside the theatre. no way am i going to miss this movie.

i was supposed to lesson plan tonight, but instead, i played with Quicken. tomorrow, tomorrow.

p.s. four day holidays are freaking awesome. i have no desire to return to school on monday.

Three Day Weeks Rock

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 04:32:22 GMT

i haven't lesson planned at all this weekend. instead, i sat around and wasted time. especially in my graduate class on saturday morning. mainly because my professor sucks ass. did i mention i'm getting my masters in early childhood education? yea, i am. except i'm not learning anything for it. ah, well.

so on saturday, i was supposed to meet up with my ex for a little R&R, except he cancelled on me last minute. nothing surprising. i'm sitting on the phone, bawling and begging. weak and weepy. ten minutes after we hung up, i'm sitting in front of the TV, eating clementines and watching SVU. then i realized... my bawling and begging had nothing to do with him. in the past, when he'd hurt me, it'd be this deep, searing pain. can't sleep, doubling over kind of sadness. this time, it was more like, "FUCKER... damn, these clementines are good." this time, it was more of a disappointment, knowing i'd be sleeping alone that night.

and so my conclusion... i'm lonely. my life is consumed with school. i've spent the past six months of my life building a new life. a life that hasn't had time to include emotional or physical intimacy. outside of what my ex provided. and that wasn't much. (meaning he's not much for emotional intimacy, this is not a pathetic attempt to attack his manhood.) which means, i need to start going out and taking chances to meet people. a frightening concept.

so, the good news... i'm not in love with my ex anymore. the bad news... i need to get out and meet people. or i'll regress again.

so my goal for our joyous four day holiday is to go out. i don't need to meet anyone immediately, i just need to go out. break away from SVU and go out. i bought new boots just for the occasion.

Revolution, what?

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 02:01:26 GMT

they don't have an expression for defeated. if they did, it'd be a little star with a balled up fist getting tramped on by a big foot. repeatedly. it would have this sad look on its face. the balled up fist would signify it's attempts to fight back. the big foot would be life, making all its attempts pathetic and meaningless.

so i graduated college with this idea that i would take the world by storm. charge towards it with my arms wide, fists raised, and revolution at hand. then, reality hit.

someone, in all my four years of college, forgot to tell me how hard the revolution would be to start.

or maybe i wasn't listening.

i probably wasn't listening.

either way, here i am now, attempting, quite unsuccessfully, to "make a difference." but then all these things get in the way. like bills, and boys, and deadlines, and bosses, and life. life gets in the way. i didn't know life could be so overwhelming. doesn't it realize that i have bigger plans than the petty concerns it's pushing on me? i can't start a revolution and pay off credit card debt at the same time. i can't teach students to read while trying to get over my ex-boyfriend. i'm having difficulty juggling rent and living off of $1,000/week. there just aren't enough hours in a day.

dammit, life. i had bigger plans.

Small Victories...

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 00:16:50 GMT

i am completely exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. my students are slowly killing me. purposefully. we ended the day 10 minutes early. they spent five of those minutes cleaning up the trash around their desk and the last five, standing, not touching their desks or their chairs, thinking about what exactly is their purpose in school. is to talk while i'm talking? is it to hang out with their friends? is it to waste time and learn nothing? if the answer is "yes" to any of those questions, then don't show up in my classroom tomorrow morning.

how many of them do you think will actually listen? how many will choose to stay at home and not waste my time with their off-taskness? i'll say about... none. i wish they'd just stay home and stop bothering me.

ah, but i'm getting off topic. so, my small victories for the day...

1. we have a new student in our class that just moved in from another class. one of my students, mohamed, welcomes him with, "hey, dude, congratulations. welcome to the class of 2018."

2. in the morning, my students fighting over who has my home number. (they all do.)

3. the class was actually quiet and on task when i came back after my prep. that's a ticket in the bucket!

4. calling shaquanna's grandmother after shaquanna flicked me off behind my back today. her grandmother's response: "don't worry. i'll take care of it, ms. li. thank you for calling."

5. i left school at 4:15pm today.

All the interesting turns...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 06:26:07 GMT

it's weird searching for your "mood" to display on livejournal. what one emotion most explains how i feel right now? how much do individuals really pay attention to that label of an emotion? does it set the tone for how people read posts? if i had put "ecstatic" would this post be read differently?

i just got back from getting a few drinks with two other TFA teachers from my school. it's amazing how much our students dominate our lives. the entire night, all we did was share stories about our kids. "ohmigoodness, no, so i was in the middle of a lesson and mohamed stands up and..." that is the extent of our "night out." drinking malibu breeze and sharing "crazy student" stories.

a part of me is incredulous that this is what my life has become post-college. another part of me... loves it. as much as i complain, as much as i cry and lose sleep, as much as i scream, i honestly love my students. and i've finally come to terms with it. i accept it. those little fuckers have won me over. with all their crazy personalities, dependencies, attitudes, and struggles.

and i realized tonight, after talking to other teachers, that i'm quite lucky to have the group that i do. i've only had one kid steal anything in the room and it was just a box of candy. one of our teachers had her ipod stolen. my kids are learning to be quiet on the halls, some teachers are still trying to get their kids in a line. our class now accepts most of the regulations and rules i've established (though we still practice every day), a few teachers are still creating their classroom management plans.

for every classroom setup, for every group of students, there is something new that is needed to gain control and begin the learning process. i'm one of the lucky ones that seems to be on the road to gaining it. i seriously count my blessings. i'm happy right now. i'm sleepy, i really am exhausted, i have so much more lesson planning to do. but tonight, after a wonderful evening with some incredible people, i'm thankful. honestly thankful for this new chapter of my life. it's definitely an interesting turn from weeks past.

don't get me wrong, though, i miss you guys like hell. every single one of you.

Thank you

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 08:56:11 GMT

it's 4:45 am. i just returned home from watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent with Carly (for those of you who know him, Abe's little sister). before i completely pass out, i check my e-mail, my facebook, and livejournal.

what do i find on my livejournal friend's page? my most cherished poem, "Ithaca," posted for me on jenny's livejournal. i can hardly contain myself. it's exactly what i needed to read.

so, now i'm feeling all emotional. i seriously could not ask for better friends. these past few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. but i can't complain, i've been lucky enough to have a constant flow of support and encouragement from amazing friends. there have been times when i've felt so down and disheartened, but then i get an e-card, an e-mail, a comment, or a phone call reminding me why i chose to take on this job and why it's not more than i can handle. and who i have standing behind me every step of the way. all of it has truly made the biggest difference. without the love and constant encouragement, i can't honestly say i'd still be here.

so, thank you to all the amazing people in my life. thank you for continuing to support me, for thinking of me, and for being a friend.

i love you so much.

Thieves, Liars, and 4th Graders

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 02:59:11 GMT

today, my morning routine consisted of my students answering a prompt on the overhead. the prompt? "how would you like to be remembered when you pass away? what would you like people to say about you?" i had a few people share what they wrote. then walked around the classroom, observed for a minute and came to the purpose of the activity. "who here wrote down that they want to be remembered as a thief? raise your hands. no one? ok, who wrote down that they'd like to be remembered as hateful? as mean? no one again. well, what about not having any friends? who said that they wanted to be remembered as a person who had no friends?" two smartasses raise their hands. "ok, some people don't want friends. we have two in this classroom who have no interest in having any friends. that's fine. the rest of you, i'm assuming, do want to be remembered as a person with friends."

"if most of you, like me, want to be remembered as a nice person, as someone who is a FRIEND, then i suggest you start changing your attitudes in this classroom. because what i see when i look around here right now are students who choose to be disrespectful, hateful, and mean. i know you're better than that. i know you want to be better than a person like that. but as of right now, to me, and to the rest of your classmates around you, that's all we can see."

i pause, then pick up a small piece of paper, the remnants of what used to be a paper tree. "yesterday afternoon, i found this small piece of paper in the back of the room. this piece of paper USED TO be a part of ms. kent's bulletin board. a bulletin board she worked VERY hard on for her class. someone in this classroom chose to RIP IT OFF, disrespecting her, disrespecting her hard work, and disrespecting our class. i am SO humiliated for our class. for someone to think that our class has a student who would be so incredibly hateful as to do something like that. how everyone thinks of us now... would someone be brave and honest enough to admit to ruining ms. kent's board? no? ok, then our ENTIRE class will be writing ms. kent an apology letter. [hands shoot up, groans start, exasperated sighs.]

"what if someone lied and admitted that they did it?" - isaiah

"I DON'T LIKE LIARS!" - me

"BUT MS. LI! travis was sitting back there this week, he must've pulled it off! no one in this class did it! - mohamed

that's actually a really great point and they might've been right... but at this point i'd taken the lesson too far and been too intense about it to back down. so, my class of 19 students wrote ms. kent an apology letter. some of them half-assed it, some of them tried to name people in the class that they thought did it, and others were actually very sincere with their apologies.

another day in the life...

Sore throat, Broken spirit

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 21:00:33 GMT

my mom just left. she was visiting from atlanta. i barely got to spend any time with her. why, you ask? well, she flew in friday evening, arrived at the apartment around 11pm. i had left school at 9pm, ate dinner with a few friends. by 11pm, i was completely exhausted and passed out after saying "hello." the next morning, saturday, she left to go attend some conference with the dalai lama and i headed off to school. i got there at 9am and stayed until 3pm. we were supposed to meet up for dinner with a friend of hers, but i ended up coming back to the apartment unable to leave. i went to bed at 9pm. she came home at 11pm. today, was the only day i actually got to see and talk to her. we went out for breakfast, did some grocery shopping, my uncle helped put some stuff together around the house. they left 2 hours ago, back for atlanta.

i've survived 2 full weeks of school and i think i'm about to die. all the wise teachers tell you, don't smile until christmas. don't give an inch. and what do i do? i smile, i bend. now i have to yell three times louder just to get them back to their seats.

last wednesday, i started crying in front my kids. i was spent. i was tired of their apathetic attitudes. i was tired of explaining the importance of being able to read. i was tired of correcting every single inappropriate behavior. i was tired of repeating directions five times each. i was tired. so, i asked two ladies talking in the back to leave the classroom. went back to teach, noticed that no one was paying attention, told them to put their heads down on their desks, went to the door and tried to keep it together. i spent the next 5 minutes calming myself down and wiping the tears from my eyes. all the while my kids are in the background whispering, "yo, shutup, i think ms. li is cryin'." "sit down! ms. li's crying! i can see it!" by the time i walked back to the front of the class my students were staring at me, bewildered. so, being the idealist i am, i appealed to their emotions. "i know, right now, you have no idea the importance of an education, you have no clue what it can do for you," i started with tears in my eyes. for the next 10 minutes i spoke to my kids about racism, classism, and whatever else i could throw in there to try to reach them. at the end of the day, my kids were slightly subdued and i had two notes in our "comment box" that said, "i'll do better, ms. li. i love you."

come thursday, i still have to get in my kids faces to get them quiet. people still aren't doing their work. i've had kids steal from me, lie to me, disrespect me. and i keep going back. this reminds me of my relationship with kunal. it's obviously not working, they make promises they can't keep. they try to care, but they don't. and i return, hoping (praying) for a better day. maybe tomorrow will be different. maybe this lesson will finally capture their attention. maybe if i just make my appeal in another way, they'll get it. maybe i'm doing something wrong, clearly they can't completely not care... or can they?

i am so exhausted. i've never felt so useless before. i want to go home. i miss atlanta. i miss my mom. i miss agnes scott. i miss waffle house! i miss sweet tea. i miss speaking in a normal voice. i miss reading the guardian every morning. i miss waking up at a decent hour, like 8am. i miss smiling. i miss my friends. i miss reading for pleasure. i miss home cooked meals. i miss everything that i've left behind.

Sigh.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 02:47:11 GMT

i want to go home. i want to go back to agnes scott and never leave again. i'll pull an emily brinkley and live forever in that sanctuary of a school. why not? what's so great about life after? what were the reasons for me rushing off of that beautiful campus and its "dorms like palaces"? what exactly does the world hold that made me in such a hurry to join it?

whatever the reasons, i haven't discovered them.

in two days time, i'll officially be a teacher. in three days time, i'll have entertained my very first class of 4th graders - for six hours. those young minds in my hands, what were people thinking? do they not realize the dangers associated with this type of profession?

i wanted my children to memorize the poem, Invictus.

I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE, I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.

that's what they should have internalized by the end of the year with me. that quote should be dripping from their lips at any moment someone questions their capabilities or their future.

but who am i kidding? i don't even have a plan for classroom management. how am i going to affect change if i can't even get them to sit down? how can i possibly make them believe that when so much around them says otherwise? they're going to be grades behind where they should be... what are the opportunities?

and how in the world am i going to wake up at 6am every morning? when am i ever going to exercise? how am i to eat healthy if i don't know how to cook? when's my room going to clean itself up? where's the money to pay the bills? when am i ever going to have sex again?

there's just too much to think about. and i don't want to think about any of it. i want to go home. i want to go back to the friends that i know. i want to hole myself up in the language lab, and play freecell all evening and into the early morning surrounded by people i love and who love me in return (avoiding that 10 page paper i know needs to be written).

i don't want to change the world anymore. i can't change the world. i can't save lives and i can't teach.

i just want to go home.

This is as good as it gets...

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 19:52:12 GMT

well, almost. i'm nearly there.

guess where i am. go ahead, guess. you'll never guess.

bryant park on 6th Ave. and 42nd street with access to free wireless internet. so here i am, sitting in the park (with about a hundred other new yorkers), typing away on my mac, an almost empty, lighted carousel to my right, and a cool breeze in the air.

i love new york.

the apartment is slowly taking shape. my mom's coming down next week to help make it "home." i'm not going to feel fully moved in until my mom takes a hand in establishing the apartment. although, without her even being here, she's been directly financing the creation of our apt. so now, not only do i have student loans to pay back, i've got my mom to pay back, too. hoorah. and there's still a month and a half to go before i get my first paycheck.

tomorrow is exactly thirty days before school starts. my chest tightens every time i think about it. somebody send me some lesson plans for the first week of school. please.

hm. i started journaling in a really good mood, now the thought of having to teach soon is putting a rather severe damper on my day and my mood. agh.

oh, and if anyone knows anything about shakespeare's twelfth night, i would appreciate any comments or suggestions. i'm supposed to be teaching it to my 4th graders in the fall. and i'm definitely having trouble reading it.

wow.

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 06:32:56 GMT

so, i just finished up the TFA summer institute two days ago. i taught 2nd grade summer school in north philadelphia at fairhill elementary. we lived in the dorms at temple university. avoid that area at all costs. it's dreadfully boring. institute has been the most intense month of my life. the only comparable experience is midterm/final's time at agnes scott. but stretched out to 5 weeks.

the average day at summer institute looked like this:

5:45 - 6:05 am wake up
6:40 - 6:55 am breakfast
7:00 - 7:15 am bus ride to school
7:15 - 4:30 pm teaching and taking classes
4:30 - 5:00 pm bus back to temple dorms
5:00 - 6:30 pm dinner, shower, nap
6:30 - 7:00 pm figuring out what meeting is next and walking there
7:00 - 9:00 pm (sometimes until 10pm) institute meeting of some sort
9:00 - 9:15 pm walking back to dorm
9:15 - 2:00 am writing/revising lesson plans and making posters

then it started all over again. it was the most miserable existence ever. and i still can't believe i survived it. the food was absolutely horrendous. i have never missed agnes scott dining more than in this past month. i didn't even like most of the people, which is surprising because you'd think we'd all be there for the same reasons, with the same goals. yea, not so much.

but i did meet some amazing people. i made some really great friends.

more about that later. abe's here to share his evening. he's been working from 2pm to 2am. life as a legal assistant sucks.

p.s. i miss you all so, so much. life out of agnes scott blows.

Oh, Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Color TV...

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 15:23:00 GMT

because i'm moving to new york city! wahoooo!

so, i had my interview yesterday with the principal of basheer qusim elementary school. we talked for about 15 minutes and afterwards he offered me a position! so next year, i'll be teaching 4th grade in the south bronx! hoorah!

it's such a load off to know exactly where i'm headed. now i can start looking for apartments and roommates. i think i'd like to live with two other people. maybe three. and i've been reading through TFA posts, the 2005 corps group sounds really awesome. i'm looking forward to meeting everyone.

as of right now, though, i won't be going anywhere if i can't get my ass in gear and start packing. so far, i've managed to watch about 50 hours of television, that's about 35 episodes of SVU, 5 episodes of CSI, one showing of When Harry Met Sally, and 8 hours of channel surfing. mhm. i'm a winner.

ah, yes, and i have yet to read the five books TFA assigned us for the summer institute. or study for the CST exam on june 26th, which, without passing, i cannot teach.

these kids are in for a treat.

Ohmigah

Sat, 28 May 2005 04:29:21 GMT

it's too overwhelming.

i need to pack for alaska. i need to pack for philadelphia. i need to pack for new york. i need to find a way to ship all my books to new york. cheaply. i need to figure out what clothes i'm going to need for alaska. and what clothes i'll need for the philly institute. i need to learn how to teach elementary school children without harming their development. i need to call sallie mae and ask them how not to default on my loans. i need to finish reading the tfa teaching packet, all 500 pages of it. i need to write thank you cards to all my professors at agnes scott. i need to apply aloe to my peeling, sunburned skin. i need to pick up my birth control from CVS. i need to say goodbye to college friends. i need to say goodbye to dr. scott. i need to change my address for my subscriptions to the new yorker, foreign affairs, and foreign policy. i need to cancel my subscription to the vegetarian, just for now. i need to brush my teeth. i need to go to the dentist. i need to get new contacts and an eye exam. i need to find an apartment. i need to figure out how to keep kids interested in my lesson plans. i need to find new friends. i need to decide what will actually go to new york and what stays in atlanta. i need to purchase health insurance.

really, all i need, is to breathe.

Insurmountable

Thu, 19 May 2005 08:03:56 GMT

that's the term this website used to describe the difficulties TFA corps members will face in their two year program.

and its sentiment is not unique. plenty of people seem to feel the same way. if i got a nickel for every single time i heard one of the following phrases... i could buy each of my future students new textbooks for the coming year. with candy to boot.

"oh, those kids are hopeless."
"they don't want to learn and you won't be able to change that."
"they're going to kill you - literally."

what good is that defeatist attitude? who does it help? what purpose does it serve, really? and why the hell are you sharing it with me - because clearly i don't agree.

does it comfort you to think that because these children are "beyond saving," you are not at fault for turning your back on them, for doing absolutely nothing to change the status quo?

does it help you to sleep better at night to over-generalize and stereotype entire groups of underprivileged children as "hopeless"? implying that there is really nothing to be done for them - even though you'd like to oh so much.

is your heart at ease when you vote against educational reform and added funding to schools because you "know" that it wouldn't make a difference anyways? (and lucky for you, you'll have a few extra bucks in your pocket for that new mini ipod you've been saving up for...)

i'd rather spend my time actively trying to make a change (even if it's in a flawed system) than sitting back, complaining, criticizing and doing nothing to improve the situation. i'd rather not make irrational excuses for why i am not a part of the movement to better my community - all so that i can continue living my life, comfortably, in the safety of my self-induced ignorance.

the next person that approaches me with some inane, generalized comment on the situation of underprivileged communities better hope that i'm not carrying a pistol in my handbag. blood will be shed.

And so it is...

Wed, 18 May 2005 06:10:42 GMT

i'm a graduate of Agnes Scott College. i have a B.A. in international relations. i secured a job for the next two years of my life. i'm pursuing the life i want to lead. i've made friends that will last a lifetime. my life is exactly where it should be. with shining stars everywhere.

so why am i still not completely over my deadbeat ex-boyfriend? hello? anyone? please explain this to me. here's a guy who has, over the course of five years, destroyed my self-respect, trampled on my heart, manipulated me, and shattered my self-esteem. all with a smile on his face. repeatedly.

what's really fucked up is, i know i don't want to be with him. he's the last person i could ever see myself growing old with (mainly because he'd probably give me some disgusting STD that i would die from before i could even grow old). he's a total misogynist. he's internalized racial oppression. he has no clear picture of the power structure in place. and he's a free market capitalist. so what's my problem? why am i still hung up on him?

i am so ready to move on with my life. there's a million other people out there to meet and obsess over. seriously.

this whole moving to New York thing better work out. and he better transfer before i get there.

first loves suck.

Our Lady of the Lake

Mon, 09 May 2005 07:31:56 GMT

i've spent the past three nights at Notre Dame. and i've nothing to show for it. except for a night of wild, off the chain, HOT dancing, a morning of sporadic vomiting, and a depleted bank account.

i'm flying home on monday. and tuesday (technically, tomorrow) i have two finals. finite math and politics of the european union. how much studying have i done? that would be none and why you might ask have i chosen to completely abandon my studies? because i'm a senior.

and notre dame is fun.

so, tomorrow (today), it's gonna be a lot of cramming. and i still have dr. scott's chapter to proofread. and common ground applications to go through. and graduation announcements to send out. and the apartment to pack up. and teach for america paper work to submit.

so, there's a lot. and another weekend completely wasted. in more ways than one.

Umm...

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 03:50:01 GMT

right now, i'm watching law and order: svu. and i have a paper that's two days overdue. at midnight, it's going to be three days overdue. i'll be starting with a B minus.

way to go, alice.

i just can't seem to get motivated to work! can i please just fill out my teach for america applications and move on with my life? puh-lease?!

and i put in my two weeks at work. basically, i'm done. i work tomorrow at 5:30pm. then it's like a full week off, then a day or two for work and i'm done. if he even schedules me.

oh, commercial's over. it's back on again. ten minutes left! eeek!

Oh dear...

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 04:06:35 GMT

we just finished watching "raising helen." and in the film, the niece steals her aunt's credit card to rent a hotel room with this dirty boy. and it made me angry. really angry. really, really angry. how could she have the audacity to steal a credit card? what?!

so, now, i'm a little worried. as you can see from the icon. how am i going to deal with a room full of 20 kids all at varying levels of moral development? i'm judgmental. i know i am. age makes no difference. and i have issues with always being right. (you'd think it'd be a blessing, but it's not... always being right is hard, especially when other people are so wrong.)

i know i have the passion for teaching. i know the importance of it, the necessity for a quality education. i know the long-term impacts and the future possibilities that come with ensuring our children's academic development. but now i'm second-guessing whether i'm the right person to actually carry that out. maybe i'm just a visionary, not a doer.

if a child yells at me, i'm likely to yell back. louder. if a child is rude to me, i most likely will want to spank him/her. that's not to say that i'm not reconsidering the benefits of physical acts of violence against young children... there may be better non-violent methods of disciplining children that don't leave them with a predisposition to hit others during times of conflict or frustration. but the point is, i'm not patient. i have high expectations of people... of all ages. and i'm judgmental. and actively so.

i have a feeling i'm going to end up scarring these kids instead of giving them a sense of entitlement. what child is going to want to make the world more just when they're dealing with trauma inflicted by their elementary school teacher who told them that they're worthless because they chose to steal a pencil off her desk at the age of 10?

however, in my defense, stealing is bad. and wrong. very wrong.

sigh.

Breathe...

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 15:16:14 GMT

this upcoming week, starting monday april 25th, is going to be my last full week of classes of my undergraduate career. i'm freaking out. how did it all go by so fast? and why have i not started on any of my many finals? ack.

and i still can't seem to figure out how i really feel about moving to new york. a part of me is so excited, looking forward to this new chapter of my life. another part of me is having difficulty breathing. ohmigosh, i'm leaving agnes scott, my safe space, my bubble. am i going to keep in touch with these amazing ladies i've met over the past four years? the answer better be a resounding "yes."

also, i need someone to clarify for me why everyone is getting married. i was under the illusion that, being as young as we are, there is a lot more to life than tying the knot. not that when you get older marriage is the only available option. but, seriously, come on, what are you going to do with a life partner right now? have sex? make/adopt babies? cook dinner? i don't understand. what's the hurry? what'll happen if you ::gasp!:: wait? will the love of your life suddenly disappear? melt? explode? and what would happen to you? ohmigosh, will you be forced to stand on your own two feet? pursue your own interests? make your own decisions? BE ALONE?! how utterly frightening.

sigh. i wish i could just move the best parts of agnes scott up to new york with me.

And so it begins...

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 14:41:24 GMT

i got accepted to teach for america! hooray!

they're sending me to new york to teach elementary school. it's not exactly what i wanted but i'm getting accustomed to the idea. i had really wanted to go to san francisco and teach high school... but 4th or 5th grade sounds good, too. and plus, who doesn't want to be in new york, right? besides the fact that i'm from the south where we do things nice and slow, while yankees seem to be in a perpetual state of racing. meh.

now all i need to do is accept the position, which i haven't yet. i know i want to do it and i know i'm going to do it... but just committing to it. ohmigosh. the next two years of my life completely planned out for me. i don't even know what i'm doing next week. ack. so, i'm gonna give myself a few more days to settle into the idea. then i'll click that "accept" button.

although i haven't officially accepted the position just yet, i've already started looking for apartments online. i always get ahead of myself. and find new things to distract me from doing my homework. but, man, apartments in new york city are so freaking expensive! i better find a roommate. speaking of which... anyone looking to move to new york in august? sigh.

but, nevermind all that. i'm going to new york!

Teaching America

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 04:46:45 GMT

so, last night, i got a total of four hours of sleep. then i woke up early this morning to TEACH AMERICA! actually, it was just my tfa interview. but i'm just one step away from TEACHING AMERICA! at least i hope so.

so, the morning started with a brand new outfit and badly dried hair. and the rapture taking place outside. luckily, jenny brought the car around and sacrificed her own warmth and dryness to keep me in pristine condition. it was wonderful.

so, the interview went well, i think. (it'll be interesting to see what i say about this two weeks from now when the letter arrives in the mail.) i was really nervous about meeting the other applicants. i was afraid they'd be all cutthroat. but they SO totally weren't. we all went to lunch at panera before our individual interviews. it was wonderful.

the lesson i had to teach went better than i thought it would. i went a little fast, i know, but i got it all done in time. critical thinking skills are important. and now everyone knows that. and drilling for oil in alaska doesn't make any sense, which people should also know by now.

the discussion over the four articles they gave us before the interview went well, too. lisha had told me to be careful because people get competitive in those sessions, but that's totally not how it was. we all got a chance to speak, we all listened to what each other was saying, and honestly thought about the issues. and you know why? bc we all give a damn.

the individual interview, i thought, was a really good time. i felt like i answered the questions to the best of my ability and was able to show my interviewer my passion for tfa. hopefully she got that. (it's gonna be so embarrassing if i get a rejection letter in the mail...)

then lauren butler came and picked me up and we had a wonderful ride home!

i hear in two weeks whether or not i got a position. my first choice is the bay area. i want it so bad. so so so bad.

k, gnite.

Hitch-ed.

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 05:35:28 GMT

tisha and i just got back from seeing "hitch." it was good, but by the end of the first fifteen minutes you could already tell what the course of the movie was going to be. a woman who is successful, business-oriented, goal-driven, but alone. clearly there's something wrong. how could she possibly NOT want a man by her side? ah, yes. could it be that she really enjoys the single life? that she really is just not interested in dating? no. it's because she has commitment issues. she has difficulty opening up, letting people in. all it takes, really, in the end, is the right man.

and ladies, don't you worry, because there's an albert brennamen and an alex hitchens out there for you.

and although the story ends with, "there are no rules to the game." it's obvious that the movie in its entirety portrays a completely different message. first, perserverence is key (men read: if you think she's out of your league, she's not. you just need the right moves to open up the right "opportunities" for her to get to know the "real" you - you know,the one who would jump out in front of a moving vehicle to save her dachsund - because then, she'll fall madly in love). second, all women are waiting to be swept off their feet. third, even the most "cold-hearted, loveless" people, need love. fourth, everyone needs somebody. fifth, all gay men are flamboyant and talk in high pitched voices (how else would you be able to tell they were gay?).

and of course, who's the one that's going to screw up this almost perfect love story? the shrew. jumping to conclusions, shut off to the world, and cynical to the very end. that is until the right man comes and shows her the light and the error of her ways.

gag me.

for once, i'd like to watch a movie where the woman ends up without a man and guess what? she's happy like that. she loves her job, she loves being good at her job, and she's interested in keeping it that way. no, she doesn't have a commitment phobia, no she's not (completely) cynical about the male species - she just likes hanging out with her girlfriends and getting something else out of life besides a dick. and that's totally acceptable.

otherwise, hitch was funny. i laughed a lot. tisha laughed even more. she almost knocked over our row of seats at one point cuz she was rockin' so hard from laughing. also, kevin james is a good actor.

Finished!

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 05:51:33 GMT

i submitted my teach for america application tonight. at exactly 12:18am. and now it's completely out of my hands. in less than two weeks, they'll let me know if i'm worth their time. if i'm good enough to teach our nation's children. ack.

for the last hour of the application process, christina's been holding my hand. and reading my statements. and while i've been freaking out. true to christina form, she's been putting it in perspective for me: "you either get it or you don't. but that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. [teach for america] will still be promoting change, even if not directly through you. and you will find other ways to change the world." and she's so right.

the ultimate goal here is to promote social change, not reinforce my self-worth. i know i'm dedicating my life to social justice and i'll do it with or without teach for america. we need people everywhere, in all aspects of society, to fight for social justice. so, if teach for america doesn't choose me, it'll choose other qualified students to teach. and they'll make big impacts. then i'll pour my capabilities and passion elsewhere. and make a big impact there. in the end, we're all working towards the same goal.

thanks, chris. i love you.

Ack! Can't concentrate!

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 22:30:28 GMT

the teach for america deadline is in less than seven hours and i have yet to finish either of my statements. and i can't concentrate at all! i've dl'd the entire damien rice cd. taken a three hour "nap." ate an apple. and cut my fingernails. but no statement.

why can't they just take my word for it? i really want to teach and i know i'll do a good job. so hire me. i know, i know. we already talked about it this morning. and i do think papers are necessary. but what happens when i can't write? sigh. i really think i have a.d.d. this is just terrible. tisha and i are supposed to see "hitch" tonight. and go out to dinner beforehand. but at the rate i'm going... it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

augh!